WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS: “Vampire Weekend” (TV Spec script)
Image and characters owned by FX
Logline:
Vampire Nandor accidentally attends a concert for the band, Vampire Weekend with his human familiar, Guillermo; Colin Robinson gets a job at the DMV, but learns that it’s run by an army of energy vampires; Laszlo and Nadja get sex advice from the Jersey Devil.
WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS
"VAMPIRE WEEKEND"
INT. STATEN ISLAND DMV - DAY
COLIN ROBINSON enters the DMV. It's expansive with low ceilings, dim fluorescent lights, and has the general vibe of a funeral. Colin stares at the long line of people that snakes from the help desk. An EMPLOYEE sits on a stool next to the door, half-awake.
COLIN ROBINSON
Hello there, sir. I'm here to renew my license.
EMPLOYEE
The line ends there.
He points to the end of the mile-long line.
COLIN ROBINSON
Thank you.
Colin gets in line and grins.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH COLIN
COLIN ROBINSON
I've always taken the bus to the office, but when I was promoted at my last job, I made enough to buy a car.
EXT. VAMPIRE MANSION. STREET - DAY
Colin poses next to a crappy car. He polishes the side mirror with his tie.
COLIN ROBINSON (V.O.)
It's a General Motors EV-1. I wanted a ride that would drain as much fuel as I drain energy. It leaks oil and has no muffler.
Colin poses on the hood of the car like a model.
COLIN ROBINSON (V.O.)
We have more in common than my traditional vampire roomies and I do. I guess you could say we're two peas in a pod.
Colin drives the car down the street and the car makes several popping noises.
COLIN ROBINSON (V.O.)
It really riles up the neighbors when I come cruising down the block.
A NEIGHBOR steps onto his porch.
NEIGHBOR
It's five a.m., you son-of-a-bitch!
INT. STATEN ISLAND DMV - DAY
In line, Colin approaches a middle-aged man, GRANT, who is seething with anger. Colin starts to feed on him.
COLIN ROBINSON
Pardon me, sir. Did you know the first DMV was built in 1915?
GRANT
I don't care. Do you know what it's like to wait three hours in a line that doesn't move?
COLIN ROBINSON
No, what's that like?
GRANT
This was SUPPOSED to be my day off. I planned to sit and watch the game. If this guy in front of me doesn't move his ass, I'm gonna lose it!
The MAN in front of him turns around.
MAN
Shut up or I'll pound you!
GRANT
Not if I pound you first!
The two men leap at each other and Grant punches the Man in the mouth. Colin grins.
INT. INTERVIEW WITH COLIN
COLIN ROBINSON
This place is like Thanksgiving dinner!
OPENING CREDITS
INT. VAMPIRE MANSION. TV ROOM - NIGHT
NANDOR sits in the library watching his ancient 1970s-era TV. In the background, GUILLERMO enters and begins vacuuming the drapes around a window. In his hand is a white ENVELOPE.
NANDOR
Guillermo, don't vacuum while I'm watching!
Guillermo keeps vacuuming. He is wearing HEADPHONES and he bobs his head to music we cannot hear.
NANDOR
Guillermo!
Guillermo takes off the headphones. He sets the White Envelope on the back of the couch.
GUILLERMO
I'm sorry, Master, did you say something? I was listening to music.
NANDOR
You are lying. I hear no music!
GUILLERMO
I was using headphones. Here, would you like to try them?
He picks them up and puts them on Nandor's ears.
NANDOR
Hssssssssssss.
GUILLERMO
Master, what's wrong?
Nandor takes off the headphones.
NANDOR
This is not music!
GUILLERMO
Sure, it's Vampire Weekend.
NANDOR
Yes, I am vampire and it is the weekend. Saturday is the day you vacuum all the curtains.
GUILLERMO
I'm seeing Vampire Weekend tomorrow night. It's a band.
NANDOR
A band, like the Brothers in Blood?
GUILLERMO
I don't know them.
NANDOR
They're the group putting on the Vampiric Summit tomorrow night. Remember the invitation that came in the mail for me five years ago?
GUILLERMO
Yes?
NANDOR
You handle all my incoming mail, so you should remember where you put my invitation.
GUILLERMO
Yes, Master.
NANDOR
This is very important. The Band of Blood are the scariest vampires this side of the Atlantic and their leader, Igor the Icky, will give the award for scariest Vampire to a random guest. I need that award.
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